India...oxymorons, Nimisha, and trust

I went 16,525 miles.

You’d think I would have so many thoughts and questions answered.

Shouldn’t I?

On arriving in India only more questions arose.

I went 33,050 miles total.

After that last 16,525 miles, I have even more questions than I came with.

Was that the purpose of this mission trip?

“To learn, you must have interest.” That is something I learned in India.
I learned about learning, and I became interested.

Our teachers went to India to teach how to teach.
Miss Iverson said she learned from their teachers.

On mission trips it seems we come away with more blessings than the people we come to bless.

It’s a funny twist. It’s one of those strange sensible and yet misunderstood traits of God. Always doing the unexpected, obviously.

God revealed himself in ways I was shocked to experience. They made me comfortable in an uncomfortable environment. It was his closeness, His familiar presence, intangible and invisible.

At the same time, I felt myself tugging on the reins. I was anxious. Things weren’t going according to plan. I had to take a new role, a role where I could let people down, a path where guilt could find me.

In preparation for this trip, I prepared myself to change. I expected change.

Even now I wonder if, by expecting change, I inhibited it. At the same time, I’m writing down such thoughts in pursuit of enlightenment.

See…questions.

Oxymorons and parallels present in each thought.

Here is what I came away with.

I can be a leader.
I don’t like being a leader.

I can bend and twist to make something work.

When I bend and twist to make something work, it hangs by a thread.

I can take the heat.

But when it’s sticky, it gets tough.

Never expect the expected.

But don’t expect the change.

Etcetera.

I have a few evidences of growth.

One of my biggest struggles in life, and particularly on this mission trip, was to trust God.

It seems such natural thing for humans to do, throw their cares on everyone else. We ask it of each person we confide in.

But somehow asking the one person who can handle being our confidant, we don’t trust with our hearts.

It’s odd that trusting God is such struggle, when most of the time, humanities downfall is done out of feelings of inferiority and insecurity. Even in situations known for someone’s arrogance and pride, are really stories about a persons overcompensation for one of their lacking qualities.

On this trip I had a small breakthrough, and it’s only in this moment that I realize it’s great proportion in my life.

Nimisha was 12, and a student who lived on campus and attended 6th standard classes. She quickly became one of my closest Indian friends, and soon I found out she was Hindu.

Long story short, I saw a miracle. No, Nimisha didn't come to Christ...as far as I know. No, my miracle greeted me in the form of a little lizard, running up and down, touching the lines and cracks in a church building wall. God knows my weak heart and knew just how to impress it, in that moment.

Side note:
I love how God does that. Think of this, God is humble.
...
...
You don't agree. Do you?
Not only did He become a human, and die on a cross. He humbles Himself each time He talks to us. His thinking is vast! His thoughts are ridiculously amazing and I could not even comprehend His mere ideas! We say, "it's all Greek to me," as a common cliche, now imagine trying to understand the God of the universe! ...sorry..sometimes His indescribable-ness is plain to me and I'm shocked and can't help sounding a little preachy! But, each time He talks to us or "bows" to our desire,...that's exactly it! He "Bows" to our desire, or our wants or something we think we need. When I saw that lizard. It was a "sign," a "safety net," an answer to prayer. It was a miracle! I thought I needed a sign to show me God was with me, because my faith was weak. Actually when I first saw it, I was excited, then I thought about it and I was ashamed. For God to have actually given me my little sign, I really must have been in bad shape, and of course He knew it. But, now as I look back on it. Fine maybe I was in low spirits, maybe God was "worried" about me. But I don't think that was why He gave me my little miracle. I think it was more than that, and less than that.
That doesn't make sense. I know. I'm just full of oxy-morons this time. but...follow my logical madness for a second and see if you agree.
It's like... If your having a bad day and someone gives you a hug or a kind word or whatever would encourage you, it feels like either, they realized you were down and said it or gave it because they pittied or because they worried, about you. On a average day, a non-special day but a not bad day, if someone comes up and gives you a hug or a kind word etc. without the pull on your part to do it, doesn't feel like more?

In summation of my side-note, the point is, God humbles Himself by bringing Himself, again, back to our level. He puts His words into human words and gives us what we need to feel His intangible touch. That day He used His lizard to show me Him. That was something I asked for, something He knew I would understand, and He cared enough about insignificant me to play my little game, and giving me alone a miracle. That's my God! what an amazing King!

Anyway, sorry for the long side note!

So my miracle gave me courage and I felt I had a purpose in India. I was sure of my God and I wanted that same confidence and that same relationship, that same love, for Nimisha. I was excited and sure that the next day I would talk to Nimisha and tell her about Jesus.
Well the next day came. I was met with the same struggles and I was more exhausted than ever, but I still felt that call.
I found an opportune moment to talk to Nimisha. We talked, we shared stories and I told her a bit about Jesus. I'm sorry to let you down but, so was I. She didn't accept Jesus that day. I came away, a little depressed. Again my purpose seemed shot. I knew I didn't fail. I felt I had misinterpreted.

Again, I expected a change. Never expect the expected with God.

The week came and went and on the last day we were to say goodbye. All the way down from our house to the building where we'd say farewell, I pondered my last words to Nimisha. What could I say that would make a difference. I thought of many things, maybe they were good, maybe not, but they weren't what came to mind when I was saying my goodbye to Nimisha.

Nimisha was in tears, and I was on the verge. She kept saying how she'd miss me and how I'd been good to her. (I pray she was seeing a bit of Jesus' goodness) She was upset, wondering if she'd ever see me again. I had to tell her I didn't know. That didn't help. Finally I said something that sounded rather like something my mom would have said. I told her that I knew she didn't know my Jesus, but that I did, and that, if she talked to Him, He could keep us together. I told her I would be talking to Him and making sure she was okay and that she could do the same. I told her how He would love to hear from her, and that I hoped she would try. After a couple sniffs and pause, she nodded and said she'd would.

I know we don't hear from God like a telephone call. I know that it takes a trained ear to listen for His words. But, I also know God, well I know a little about Him. I know He loves me and I know He loves Nimisha. He loves her so much He died so He could get to be closer to her. Because I know that, I know He is working on her heart. He is knocking and I think she is almost ready to listen to Him call and ring the doorbell. I'm happy I could be the one to tell her who the stranger outside the door was.

This trip was tough. I saw no immediate growth. But that was my blessing! It was an oddly wrapped gift but now that I've opened it and am accepting it, I realize it was trust that I received. I have to believe to have faith, trust, that God loves Nimisha. I have to trust Him to continue the work He brought me to India to do. It's a gift in process. A gift for the heart and a gift I not only asked for but needed desperately. And God knew just how to give it to me!