Stream of Consciousness

So many thoughts and so little energy to write them.

Here is a stream of consciousness run through of the days ponderings...

So many things to do! I must get them done! Why do I do these things anyway! Why do they come before sleep and health often times? It's remarkable how many times I've climbed these steps, even in a single day, and for what? A supposed timed meeting? An existential thought-what is the point of time anyway...is it really only a measure of degeneration? Work, nothing to do in particular, and yet I stay. So many things to do, and yet I sit in an office to "earn money." Why do we do these things? Rush to help teach reading to children. Watch their minds twist, their bodies need to burn energy. Time? A measurement of degeneration, and yet scolded, sit still. take your hands from your face. sit in the corner. you can read can't you? Reading. Symbols on a page, inflections of a pen on a page. A cave man understanding, and yet intellectual, a symbol in itself of intelligence. Eyes flicker over flash cards with letters, what process turns the wheels in her mind. Why do they not pay attention? What does their not paying attention mean? They mean no disrespect I trust? Disrespect. Isn't insinuating something based on my skin, hair color eye color, appearance in general, a disrespect? How much generalizations and stereotypes are true. I've traveled, yet I remain white. No change. Dance- communication...long distance, and yet dance so close, separately and together, learning, interacting. My point is? A child's understanding, God's voice. Who do you hear? Who do I hear? Environment, race, parents, lucky, travel, guilt...Worship. loud and up front. Songs about loosing ourselves and yet glamor in the singing. Loud enough to drown me out. If I'm drowned out, if I'm still, if I don't draw an eye, do I profess my Christianity? Friends-conversations means so much. open up, relationships, close their heart breaks. Study, study, study, type type type. be concise, be articulate. Print and sleep.

repeat!

Dear void...

I haven't written on this blog in so long, I doubt anyone will read this, but to you great void, I write anyway.

It would seem, I only write on here when I'm in a dark mood. When I feel alone enough to write without worry or care as to whom will read my scrambled thoughts. I'm changing. I'm new. My steps are thought out but my direction is vague, at best. To write in riddles is the only way for me today. To become specific would confuse even myself.

My eyes squint in vexation, my eyebrows twist with mixed emotions. Heart and mind speak opposites. What can I express in words about these thoughts that fill my mind and make my shoulders heavy?

Friends in search of purpose.
Friends fighting themselves.
Friends wondering who I am.
Friends wondering who He is... why is there care?

To be Christ's aid and arm...to be his church...means what? What is my role? Is my judgment sound?

A lurking fear haunts me. Questions tortures the back of my mind like a foreboding shadow. It's like the music in a sad movie.. when the character knows heartbreak breathes just around the corner.

The future stares me in the faces and begs the question, "What's the next step?"
My heart pulls one way, my mind, the other. Uncertainty and mistrust plague conversation.

Why do we love God? What are your answers? Are they sound? Are they righteous? Do they fit His Character? Are your thoughts biased? Does agenda hide in your steps? How much is too far, and how far is good? When is enough, enough? Is this fear relevant?

I make so little sense and so much of something minimal, but the effect is huge.

I want to understand God in other people. I want to understand the mechanics of thought.

Dear void, thank your for listening to this strange tongue and exhausted mind.